Posted on February 1, 2010.
What note this work is English? "? Please can you tell me what year this is?
I'm aiming for A / A *.
Thankyouu <3
Escape from the funnel large glossy, black, thick smoke choking the people to the platform, like an old blanket thick. The smell of burning charcoal fills the air heavily, leaving a little boy choking. To the right of the platform stands a slender lady, she is elegantly dressed. Clutching his briefcase in black leather patent, it stands shyly in the crowd lively. She stands firmly. From time to time she looks at the departures board, and her long blond hair, wavy travels regularly misplaced the old rusty fan above, gently blows cold air. She sighs loudly. His big diamond shining in the light, he reflects on the cold walls of clay bricks. A train arrives at platform occupied his scream breaks: bright orange sparks erratic form that the train is a good physical contact with the cold steel rails. The doors open bright Burgundy train jerky as people in a hurry to move forward. A queue is quickly disrupted training. The heads of the passengers look like a wave in the ocean of deep blue, constantly coming and going, and then unexpectedly, they are gone. The place is eerily empty. A head high, dark-haired man stands alone, it looks abandoned. tuxedo PIN is elegantly furnished and her hair is perfectly trimmed to the right side. It seems to be in his late forties, maybe early fifties. He walks deliberately toward the door glass, which led to the heart of the resort. The interior is intact. The walls are tiled white and the grout between them-is surprisingly accurate. The floor is smooth and homogenous. The man enters the building, its dark tanned leather shoes squeak on the floor spotless. He stops abruptly. He is clearly agitated and disoriented: you can tell from the worried look on his craggy face stern. He turns quickly and promptly heads to the information desk. As he approaches the clerk and his return as he stiffened starts talking. The tone of his voice is changing rapidly. The man is clearly distressed, resulting in some much unwanted attention of passersby.
It's good I guess, but there are ways of using punctuations many cases they did not need to be.
Honestly, I agree, you should take most of these commas and semicolons. Try to bend a little.
Lot of big words, try not to use lots of him .. The reader can easily lose interest. While it is essential when writing, but do not fill the whole page with them.
In addition to limited or no mistakes, I appreciated.
Change the ': It seems to be in his late forties, fifties, perhaps early
it's a bit too talkative. make it clearer. As this fine gentleman in his 40's / 50's, then continue ... something like
The sentences are rather short. Too many breaks I guess ... taken so that the flow of writing .. the reader would be more comfortable ... must be smooth.
Otherwise, you deserve a great brand Yeah (Y)
x
